I was going to write something, but I seem to have lost my thought, oh, wait. Nope, sorry, it was right there, then, gone.

   Living with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and/or Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) is a challenge, to say the least.

   The difference between the two is one comes with hyperactivity, physical and/or mental. The other, without.
   But every other way, pretty much the same.
   ADHD and ADD mostly happen in childhood with one learning coping mechanisms by adulthood. But, it also occurs with adults quite commonly. With myself being one.

  I'm not sure I ever developed any coping mechanisms, I cannot honestly say that I know what that means.

   I take a medication for it, Adderall XR, the xr meaning extended release, it's active for about 12 hours.
   Apparently the drug centers on my central nervous system, I have got to find out what that means.
   Adderall is a form of amphetamine, mixed salts amphetamine to be exact.
   Do I like taking it? NO!!! It's classified as a controlled substance and possessing it without a script is illegal and will land you in prison for quite a while. I feel like a junky.

   How does having ADHD affect my life?
   Well, quite extensively, an understatement. It affects my life every bit as my other mental illnesses, but that's another story.

   I have trouble concentrating, I have trouble with paying attention. People really get annoyed with the latter. Apparently most just do not like having to repeat themselves, sometimes more than once.
   What am I supposed to do, get something wrong or do something completely screwed up. It has happened more than once.
   I tend to be afraid of asking people to explain it again and/or explain it in more detail so that I understand exactly. Again people get annoyed with me over this.

   I have missed many days of school back in the day and have missed many days of work due to the fact I was overwhelmingly afraid to go and face the caustic admonishment from my superiors.
   Not that it helped my standing any. Missed days from work hurt me more than getting someone annoyed with me. But I could only see in my mind the hurt and anger I felt when someone would get annoyed with me. So I chose to hide, and not to pay any attention to it.
   As is always the case, ignoring a problem long enough is going to make things start to overfill and fall out all over the place, making a big mess of everything. I use the annology of the garbage can that no one wants to empty, pushing the garbage down time after time. Sooner or later there is just no more room and just falls all over the floor. By then it's almost impossible to get the garbage out of the can because of all the pressure from so much garbage that had been shoved down so many time.
   So too it is with life's problems, this I know all too well.

   Anyway, back to the topic.

   See, this past paragraph is proof of how my mind works. It jumps from subject to subject, even when right in the middle of a conversation. In my mind I need to make sure everyone gets the full picture of what I see in my mind.
   So I tend to ramble on quite often.

   My mind wanders quite extensively, way beyond too much.
   You can tell me something and then something else and I won't remember the second thing because my mind has fixated on the first thing and even though I remember hearing something else I just keep going on with the first thing.

   Quite often I will catch myself and have to go back and get them to repeat what they just told me seconds or a few minutes ago.
   So you can see why people get annoyed with me or mock me for always doing this.

   When I was 7 I was diagnosed by a psychologist at school with a mild learning disability.
   This is back in 1975, ADHD didn't exist back then.
   All my report card, every single one of them, stated that I "daydreamed" and/or didn't pay proper attention.

   So I was put in a special class that existed of 3 grades in small numbers and I had two teachers.
   One I did not like, the other I loved.
   In this class I excelled greatly, above average actually.
   It was discovered that my reading and writing level was way above my grade level. In grade 3 I read at a level someone in grade 9 would read and write. Even though my writing was quite messy, as it is still to this day.

   I think it's because my hands and fingers try to move at the speed my mind is moving. That's just not possible so things get a little illegible at times.

   I was returned to the regular classes for grade 4.

   I had no learning disability, nor did I ever. I just learned in a different way than most.
   Some have called me slow, which is not the case, as I said I learn differently, and it seemingly takes me longer to wrap my brain around something. But once I do I become very adept with whatever I learned.

   ADHD comes with impulsiveness, which gets me in trouble quite often. Mostly financially. This is why ADHD is strongly linked with Bi Polar Disorder. What that means exactly I'm not sure.

   When I write my poems or in these articles I tend to write in epic proportions. It's been said that I do nothing small, I do big or do not.
   I have no problem with this, and only a few have ever had a problem with it.

   I am like this, as far as I can figure out, my mind is moving so fast it taps into a huge source of a wealth of information and I have the need to get everything out.
   Some have said that that's OCD. (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
   I have to question that, I'm very aware of everything and I have to date not been diagnosed with it. But it is possible, I wouldn't be surprised.

   I often have trouble sleeping, even with all the medications I take that are supposed to quiet my mind, the mood stabilizers. But I think they're supposed to still my mind in a different way. I think my ADHD is in a different part of my brain.
   Man, the stuff I come up with to think about.

   Such as stuff that happened decades ago, in my mind it's playing out just as if it was occurring right then.
   I hate this, quite often it causes anxiety attacks or panic attacks, although beit mild ones.
   I often get angry. It is so frustrating and confusing.

   I get brutal headaches from these periods, I clench my jaws very tightly, thusly causing the headaches. Which makes me increasingly more angry.

   From the anger, if it reaches a certain level and has gone on for a certain amount of time, psychotic breaks have been known to occur. Or bad episodes.

   So if you think ADHD and ADD are minor mental illnesses, YOU ARE WRONG my friend!!!

   They are VERY SERIOUS mental illnesses.
   ADHD causes all kinds of mental damage, and is close to being beyond repair.

   This my life with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

   I should add, I have omitted a lot, it would take forever to share and would upset me too  much recounting.
   So I leave it here.



WHO'S LOST?! WHO'S IGNORANT?! (Thoughts On "Christians" and "Christians" Who Just Happen To Have a Mental Illness)

   Why do Christians refer to those of us who are "broken", "hurting", "angry", "confused", "frustrated", and so on, as being "lost"?
   I know I wouldn't hear anyone refer to someone with cancer as being lost. Would I? No, of course not!
   So why refer to those of us with mental illnesses as being "lost"?
   Just because our brains aren't working properly, just because our emotions and feelings are sometimes all mixed up and we act a little "crazy", does not mean we are not "Christians" who have lost anything. We are not any less of a "Christian" as any other.
   Just because we tend to get overly angry, rarely violent, over-react, and so on, does not mean we have stopped or are not "Christians".

   I have witnessed more than a few people "acting out" or having trouble adjusting to an "episode" or "break" and was quite angered by the people around them looking on in either shock and/or anger. I even heard more than a few people over the years actually say, "someone should lock them away, they're a danger to us."
   WHAT?!!! Seriously?!!!
   I could not believe, in this day and age, that there are still those that actually still think that way.
   I myself have been told that mental illnesses were "sinful" and were not "of God". I have been told that I was cursed by the devil and was deceiving myself.
   Sadly these comments came from "Christians".
   I always thought that Christians should or would know better, and I would not face any kind of judgement or ridicule from any Christians.
   The truth is, and what I did not realize, that I was thinking and feeling the same way, just from a different perspective.
   We Christians are just people, sinners all of us. Prone to making mistakes, and without realizing that we were.
   There is stigma and reverse stigma, meaning close mindedness from Christians and Christians who have a mental illness(es).

   Thinking back to where it was first pointed out to me; would you believe it was an "Atheist" that pointed that out. That Christians were still people, prone to making mistakes. Ironic or what?!

   Now, I am still not saying the actions and the words of those "Christians" who think and feel as they do towards of us "Christians" with mental illnesses are excused.
   Neither are we "Christians" with mental illnesses who think and feel the same towards "Christians" who do not have mental illnesses.

   But, people need to realize that we are not being sinful, lazy, or deceptive. We, or, our brains are sick. An imbalance of the chemicals in the body and the brain are what mental illnesses are. Man, I have said this more times than I can remember! Mental illness is in the same category as cancer and so on, that be the category of illness.

   The stigma I mentioned previously exists because of not understanding, and through my experiences, stigma also exists because of those who are so arrogant, that they think they know about mental illness, it's cause and needed treatments and the actions needed to be taken around and with those who are ill.
   That arrogance makes them ignorant.
   No one, I repeat, no one, who does not actually have a mental illness or more, can actually know for sure. Not even those trained and schooled in mental illness can truly know what it is like.
   Diagnoses are usually based on trial and error, and guessing, for lack of a better word.
   I'm not saying those who are trained and schooled don't know what they're doing or talking about. They obviously they do, or they would not be doing what they are doing.
   And the truth is, we the ill, need help, support from someone, and a lot of it.
   Just because we know what it feels like first hand does not mean we can figure everything out, or anything, for that matter, ourselves.

   When you get sick or hurt; where do you do? To the doctor.
   So, when one's brain is sick and hurt; where do you go? To the doctor.
   Basically, what I think I am trying to say is that both sides need to understand each other.
   Fighting back and forth is not going to help anyone. It won't change the minds of anyone. Excuse the pun, unintended.

   All the in-fighting is just making the devil all the stronger. For He is the one who is causing all of this great big mess. And all of the diluted kind of thinking. All the delusions on both sides to exist and thrive.

   "Christians" need to stop referring to "Christians" who are mentally ill as being "lost", or "sinful". And, in turn, we "Christians who just happen to have a mental illness(es) need to try and and be patient, because those on the outside looking in just do not understand and are "ignorant", no offense intended, to what they see and are watching what is going on.
   The only way the "stigma" surrounding mental illnesses is going to stop is through education and communication on both sides, not that I'm saying we are on opposite sides.
   We must realize that we are all on the same side.
   We are all God's children, looked upon, all of us, the very same way. None is loved by Him any less or any more than any one else.

  We should all be looking upon each other as "brothers" and "sisters" in Christ. That is the only way we should be.
   "One for all, all for one, and all as one under One." (Scott David Buckley)

   It all comes down to, after everything is done and said, we should love one another as we are commanded to by God and said by Jesus; "One command I leave with you, that you shall love one another as I have loved you."

   I guess that answers all my opening questions.
   I think I have even taught myself something while writing this, as you might see as you read through this.
   And makes my point, that we should stop arguing and the such between ourselves and start loving each other.
   We all need to educate and communicate with each other, both sides listening and giving the benefit of the doubt.

   Now, there is always going to be those, on both sides, that will plain refuse to listen to reason. Those are the ones who need love all the more.
   Someone once said to me: "Love changes everything!"

   We need to guard and still our tongues, and we need to educate ourselves as much as possible, thereby guarding our minds.
   The tongue and the brain rarely are on the same page, so, think, then say, or don't say.
   Lets just love each other, each and every one of us.
   Love is the only way that we will do away with the "stigma" surrounding mental illness(es).

   Remember, "Love is forgiving, and love is for giving." (Scott David Buckley)

   I believe love is the meaning of life and the key to living a meaningful life.




   On November 11th in Canada, we stop to remember our fallen war heroes. Remembrance Day. It isn't even a statutory holiday. Why?!
   Do the fallen not deserve at least one day set aside for just them?
   Why even give the day a name if it isn't any different from any other?

   Oh, there are services, there are memorials, there are observances. I see it as a little too little.
   These men chose to serve their country, and gave their lives for it.

   Remember them? We should honour them officially.
   How many thousands went and served with honour and courage. How can we do any less? Shameful!
   Lest we forget? Seems we have.
   These men, boys really, went to a foreign country to fight a foreign war.
   They lived in deplorable conditions. In trenches of mud and dirt and wood. They lived with rats. They lived in bitter cold, without the proper clothing for such conditions.
   Their meals were quite meager. If you they could be called meals at all.
   Everything came in sealed cans and the only thing they had to open them with was their bayonets.
   They were issued spoons, but with nowhere to clean them, dissantary became a prevalent disease, which many died from.
   Many also died from other diseases and infection. Almost as much as those who died in battle.
   In both WW I and WW II, man invented many new ways to kill each other, but no way to not war in the first place.
   Got a little off topic, but I just wanted to illustrate what conditions these men went and lived and died in.
   All for freedom. And we can't as a country that is free because of their sacrifice will not, for some unknown reason, truly and properly honour them.
   Now, don't get me wrong, I love the country of my birth and my home, Canada. But those elected by the people for the people are shameful in my eyes.
   They can hold all the observances and services they want, but it's just pretend for them. A hollow and empty gesture.
   If I were a vet I wouldn't even bother attending them. Perhaps that's a little too harsh. It is, after all, something, if not nothing, where they can go and remember their friends. Giving them the honour they deserve.
   But, the politicians do not deserve to be there.
   Again, I say, a hollow gesture.
   Anyway, putting all this aside, we as a country, as a free nation, should take the time to bow your heads in remembrance of those who fell so we could be a free nation. All honour should be accorded them. Lest we forget.

   I for one, salute the fallen Canadians and I salute as well, those who were able to come back home to the freedom that their friends and allies selflessly sacrificed for.

   One last thought, I must say it is a shame that we must take time to remember or to honour the fallen. For they should not have had to go and die for our freedom.
   It's a shame we as a nation define ourselves as a nation because our sons and fathers went and fought a foreign war, many giving their lives in the process.
   We call ourselves brave and gallant warriors, both courageous and determined.
   We call ourselves great, but how does war make one and many great?
   Go they did, and fought and sacrificed.
   All honour and remembrance is due them fully.
   May those who serve their perspective countries in present "wars" not have to sacrifice but may they all return home alive and live the freedom that they helped keep.
   Many prayers for our sons, fathers, daughters and mothers who have chosen to serve their country.
   May God keep them and protect them all.
   God bless them all.




   I am always to quick to react, I've been called a "hot reactor". I think that's just another way of saying that I over-react. Which I admit I do sometimes. But, why must I be labeled as such? I don't over-react all the time. And I hate being told I "always" act and/or behave this way.
   My feelings are easily hurt, I've been told I am a hyper-sensitive person. What does that mean? And it certainly doesn't describe me as who I am.
   So why label me?
   It seems that in everything that I do and say is overly critiqued. Why should one be critiqued in the first place?
   Is there someone everyone is expected to be? Because I just don't understand why people have to put labels on each other.
   I guess I have been guilty of this from time to time. And every time I realize that I am being unfair and overbearing.
   I know I certainly do label myself. I do overly critique myself. And I easily get down on myself for behaving this way.
   Maybe this is why I feel so sensitive about all these "subjects".
   I always say: "Attitude is everything and everything begins with me."
   Not to be critical of myself, but, maybe the problem is with myself.
   Saying, as I look upon myself so too I look upon others.
   I know as I judge myself by such high and unattainable standards that is how I judge others, by those same standards.
   I guess that's why I take everything too personally when being admonished or corrected.
   I feel I am being attacked and I tend to get defensive over something I need not do.
   These are all behaviours or symptoms of BPD, and Bi Polar Disorder.
   Both mood disorders.
   I try to correct these behaviours, but I seem to always put too much pressure on myself to do so I just end up failing. And then comes the judgement and depression.
   I continue to beat myself up, considering myself as a failure. Which just makes my depressive mood all that much deeper and darker.
   I think why I take things too personally is born out of fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of being critiqued, and fear of ridicule and judgement.
   That's probably why I often keep things inside. Causing even more damage. And making the self judgement and the self loathing all the more harsher.
   I am also passionately afraid of arguments.
   When an argument occurs is usually when all these mood patterns manifest themselves the most strongly.
   I usually end up losing my temper in these situations, because I feel attacked and I feel I am being personally put down.
  Later comes the worse of all that results from the argument. It's when my mood gets at it's lowest. With me re-running the situation over and over again in my mind.
   Mild to severe anger with the other party and myself happens.
   Then quite often comes, anxiety attacks or occasionally panic attacks.
   I have ended up in the ER a few times as a result of what I do to myself.
   Dangerous and destructive behaviours.
   It has been said I do it to myself, that it's all in my mind.
   Of course it is! That's why these behaviours are called mood disorders.
   I realize what is going on but feel I am powerless to stop or do anything about the behaviours.
   This is why I isolate myself most of the time for fear of a "situation" arising and/or having an "episode" in front of people.
   These are my anxiety disorders, GAD & SAD.
   Well, that's it for now, I'm feeling a little emotionally drained.
   I hope in sharing these behaviours of mine I might provide some insight or knowledge to someone like me.
   Showing them that they are not alone and are not the only one who is like this.
   Stay strong; Scott.