01/11/2013

I ACT CRAZY SOMETIMES

   I am always to quick to react, I've been called a "hot reactor". I think that's just another way of saying that I over-react. Which I admit I do sometimes. But, why must I be labeled as such? I don't over-react all the time. And I hate being told I "always" act and/or behave this way.
   My feelings are easily hurt, I've been told I am a hyper-sensitive person. What does that mean? And it certainly doesn't describe me as who I am.
   So why label me?
   It seems that in everything that I do and say is overly critiqued. Why should one be critiqued in the first place?
   Is there someone everyone is expected to be? Because I just don't understand why people have to put labels on each other.
   I guess I have been guilty of this from time to time. And every time I realize that I am being unfair and overbearing.
   I know I certainly do label myself. I do overly critique myself. And I easily get down on myself for behaving this way.
   Maybe this is why I feel so sensitive about all these "subjects".
   I always say: "Attitude is everything and everything begins with me."
   Not to be critical of myself, but, maybe the problem is with myself.
   Saying, as I look upon myself so too I look upon others.
   I know as I judge myself by such high and unattainable standards that is how I judge others, by those same standards.
   I guess that's why I take everything too personally when being admonished or corrected.
   I feel I am being attacked and I tend to get defensive over something I need not do.
   These are all behaviours or symptoms of BPD, and Bi Polar Disorder.
   Both mood disorders.
   I try to correct these behaviours, but I seem to always put too much pressure on myself to do so I just end up failing. And then comes the judgement and depression.
   I continue to beat myself up, considering myself as a failure. Which just makes my depressive mood all that much deeper and darker.
   I think why I take things too personally is born out of fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of being critiqued, and fear of ridicule and judgement.
   That's probably why I often keep things inside. Causing even more damage. And making the self judgement and the self loathing all the more harsher.
   I am also passionately afraid of arguments.
   When an argument occurs is usually when all these mood patterns manifest themselves the most strongly.
   I usually end up losing my temper in these situations, because I feel attacked and I feel I am being personally put down.
  Later comes the worse of all that results from the argument. It's when my mood gets at it's lowest. With me re-running the situation over and over again in my mind.
   Mild to severe anger with the other party and myself happens.
   Then quite often comes, anxiety attacks or occasionally panic attacks.
   I have ended up in the ER a few times as a result of what I do to myself.
   Dangerous and destructive behaviours.
   It has been said I do it to myself, that it's all in my mind.
   Of course it is! That's why these behaviours are called mood disorders.
   I realize what is going on but feel I am powerless to stop or do anything about the behaviours.
   This is why I isolate myself most of the time for fear of a "situation" arising and/or having an "episode" in front of people.
   These are my anxiety disorders, GAD & SAD.
   Well, that's it for now, I'm feeling a little emotionally drained.
   I hope in sharing these behaviours of mine I might provide some insight or knowledge to someone like me.
   Showing them that they are not alone and are not the only one who is like this.
   Stay strong; Scott.

2 comments:

  1. Thank you for this Scott. I really thought I was the only one that acted this way. I have been called everything in the book from hot headed to physco. It has bothered me a lot because I will black out and not remember any thing I say or do. I came from a small town and my family has been here for over 75 yrs. So everybody knows me. And I have embarrassed myself for many years. I just realized back in 08 that I suffered with mental disorders. And it really didnt help matters much when I found out that I am a little nutty. I thought everything people was saying about me was TRUE. But since I have been on meds. and I have done so much research on ptsd, manic depression, server panic attacks and ocd. And I see that the things I suffer from are herit. and I could see my mama in me God rest her soul. It makes me sad because mama was never diagnosed by a doctor. So she never got to feel what it was like to be more I say free. Because I am free now. And I used to be ashamed of who I am. And I was mad for many years. And my mama was the most loving caring person. I am BLESSED to be me and I am BLESSED from where I came from.

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