I Am Neurotic And I Need Help...by Neurotic Nelly: The Horror...

I Am Neurotic And I Need Help...by Neurotic Nelly: The Horror...: I want to share a story with you guys. Some of you may know it,  but some of you may not and I really feel that everyone should know the sto...



"How feel you?" (Yoda)
When I get asked this I always want to turn and yell, "I feel like crap!"
I wonder if people really do care how I felt.
If they did, how come I've never heard it while I was in seclusion at home?

I once read somewhere that these kind of people are called "fair weather friends".
Only will talk to you when you are in a good mood seemingly.
What is a good mood anyway?

I feel like often that some people avoid me because they don't know how to talk to me.
They don't go out of their way to avoid me, but it's just how I feel.
And if we do talk they seem surprised how lucid I speak.
Like I'm going to talk "all crazy" and all that. Sheesh!

Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
My reality gets a little warped sometimes.
That's to be expected considering I do have tendencies with Schizophrenia.

So I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.
Trying not to be judgemental.
Which is hard for me.

I do get a little delusional sometimes.
Believing my reality at the time is the right one, and no one can tell me I'm behaving irrationally.
I really don't like being told that I'm wrong.

Remembering that I was told no one has the right to tell me anything if not in my best interest.
When delusional it's kind of hard for me to tell whether it's in my best interest or not, since I don't trust myself.
Because someone once told me feelings always lie and emotions tend to betray one.

My feelings do tend to lie to me and I tend to believe them.
Getting me into all kinds of trouble.

Mostly it's me getting in the way of myself.
And I don't always know what I'm doing.
As self-aware as I am, or think I am, it still doesn't help at all.

And so, I always feel confused and frustrated with it all.
Letting everything and everyone get to me.
Making my delusions and paranoia worse at times.

Thank God my delusions and paranoia don't happen too often.
I'd have to be locked away in a padded room.
Which is a nightmare of mine.
Not the worse one, but pretty damn close.

And yeah, things do get to me, big time.
I know it, I can see it coming.
I know how I'm feeling and what my emotions are doing.
This is where the "me getting in the way" thing comes in.

This all makes me angry.
And I can do a real number on myself.

I can really do harm to myself, figuratively, to my mind.
The literal part is taken out on my body.
But the literal rarely happens, thank God.

Still, just the anger being there is enough to cause almost irreparable damage to my fragile mind.

These are behaviours of BPD.
The self-destructive thoughts and sometimes actions.
Then there's the suicidal thoughts and/or tendencies.

I have wanted to die on many occasions over the entirety of my adult life, on and off.
I'm 45.

I tried to end me once or twice and tried to try and end myself many times, if that makes any sense. Those must be the suicidal tendencies.

You can see here how my feelings lie to me and my emotions betray me everytime.

And why I don't answer with the truth when asked how I'm "feeling" and/or how I'm "doing".
I hate that question even more than how I'm feeling.

Can some one tell me what "how are you doing" means?

I just cannot figure it out.

I always hesitate when asked how I'm doing, because it's such a confusing question to me.
So, obviously, I lie again and say, "I'm doing just fine, thanks for asking."

I wonder what their reaction would be if I answered with, "I'm not feeling well at all, and I am not doing very well either, I wish you would not have asked me that, it upsets me."

Yeah, these questions are sort of stressors for me.
As are quite a few things.

The confusion and frustration really can screw with my mind.
And then there's the statements of how I can choose to be confused and/or frustrated or not.
"Ah, come on already! Seriously?!"

And it's usually is said before knowing just what is going on with me to cause all of this.

My mother has stopped making these comments, after being dumped on by my anger born from my self-loathing at the time.
So, she now asks what's going on first.

I don't always answer, because I'm just too angry and don't want to hurt my mother, like I have done many times in the past.
And she's kind enough to leave me alone.
Then later I always seem to be apologizing for my behaviour.

I've had to apologize for my behaviour way too many times.

Usually when one apologizes for some kind of bad action or behaviour, one makes damn sure not to repeat it.
After all we're realizing a mistake on our part and are supposed to learn from said bad behaviour.

I always used to say to my dad to quit apologizing to me because I didn't believe him, since he kept apologizing for the same thing over and over.
I used to call him a liar all the time.

Now look at who's doing the very same damn thing.
Talk about irony.

My similar behaviours of my father's really feeds my anger towards myself, and
then feeds my incredibly strong self-loathing.

All behaviours of *BPD and **BiPolar, and ***ADHD just adds to it.
My anxiety disorders don't help either.
Like they ever could or would.
More irony.

So, I would suggest to anyone be careful when asking me how I feel or am doing.
I just might tell you the truth.

Yoda says to a young Anakin Skywalker, "How feel you?"
Anakin answers kind of frustrated, "What does that have to do with anything?"

Anakin told the truth of his feelings.
Just once I'd like to and see what happens.

I guess the reason that I wrote this is just to pass on the message of being mindful of your feelings and/or emotions.

Your feelings do lie everytime.
And I'd watch your emotions, I don't trust mine.

Then again that's why I have been diagnosed with serious mood disorders.

To deal with your moods, feelings and emotions I would humbly suggest talking with someone you trust, or write them down in a journal/diary, whatever.
Then you can go back later and take a look at what your behaviours were like in the then.

And to quote Yoda again, "Always looking at the future, never the now."

Being mindful of your thoughts and feelings can be more than a little helpful in you gaining control of them and finding some sort of recovery or another.

Being mindful of your thoughts, whether they're wandering or not, simply just means you're aware of what your thoughts are doing.
Once you master that you can learn to be mindful of your feelings and gain control of them and your emotions.

And that will lead you to be able to function as you want.

But, I must say that mindfulness does not come easily, I'm still having a huge problem mastering mindfulness.

I find it a little creepy.

I'm a Christian and mindfulness and cognitive behaviour therapy seem just too much like spirituality and worldly, as well as some pagan practices that I know of.

But don't take my inability to harness mindfulness as typical.
My experiences are A-typical, just how it's going for me.
Everyone is different and everyone's experiences will be and are different.

So, "How feel you"?


P.S.-Just to mention, the conversations between Yoda and Anakin are quoted from Star Wars: Episode 1...

Footnote: *BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder, **BIPolar is BiPolar Affective Disorder, and ***ADHD is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.



Mental illness is looked upon as being a negative thing.
Those who have mental illnesses are usually expected to act or behave in a negative manner.

Those who perpetrated all the school shootings were all announced to have a serious mental illness, with one exception, Columbine.

Did their disorder cause them to commit the act they did?
Were they in their right mind?
Maybe not.

But, that does not mean that all that have one disorder or another are going to commit an extreme act such as the school shootings.

We are not always at danger to have an episode or breakdown.
We usually recognize our stressors and/or triggers, and remove ourselves from the situation before things escalate.

Quite often we are not the ones who instigated the situation in the first place and we are not the ones who keep pushing the issue.

Family and loved ones of the individual who just happens to have a mental illness(es) just do not understand what they are doing.
They usually do not understand that talking with an ill person is not the same as talking with a so-called "normal" person.

Our minds work differently and we usually will react differently.
But we still deserve the benefit of the doubt as it would be with anyone else.

Still, we are expected to act "crazy", "abnormal", to "over react", become "dangerous", and to behave as someone who is "insane".

Say the word "insane" to me and I will react as someone who just got called a "nigger".
It is a hateful and ignorant word.
Completely negative and evil.
Oh man, how archaic that "term" is.

I have observed in my life that those around me, when they are around me, treat me differently as they do with the others.
They're careful at what they say, when they would not hesitate to speak in the manner they are trying to avoid using around me with any one else in their life.

Like if they don't, they might say something that will set me off or cause a harm.

I'm not a helpless infant, I deserve and expect the same respect as anyone else does.

And why does everyone try so hard to be happy around us?

What makes a negative environment is not people being sad, angry or hurt around us.
We are no different than anyone else.
We just happen to have a mental illness(es).

I will admit that I am more sensitive to situations and the such than most laypersons.

I have faced too many bad situations and have had too many unfortunate conversations.

I don't always realize what I am doing or what I am saying.
I don't always how my behaviour is.

That's why i have been diagnosed with serious mood and anxiety disorders.
And why I take medications for them.

I'm still looking for a good therapy that would suit me best.

I will say this, what is going on with and in me is no one else's business. No one needs to know anything about me in regards to how I behave sometimes.

If I want anyone to know I will be the one to tell them.

Talking about me behind my back is never a smart thing to do, I always seem to know when they have been.
It's all in how they behave around me and how they talk to me.

Their eyes give them away everytime.
I am good at reading people and their behaviour around me.

I don't like, nor do I need fake friends and loved ones.

That is just a major hinderance.
And why I feel I am in a most negative environment.

Now, I'm not saying that I am totally blameless in anything. I tend to behave differently around them as they do with me, unknowingly.

Still, the responsibility for my actions, words and behaviour is mine alone.
As it is with the others.

Society in general is ignorant of their behaviour, and seemingly don't give a damn.
I recently had said to me "...nobody cares, suck it up or get out of the way."
"No one likes a cry baby."

I started to react with anger because those comments were so full of hate. But something came over me, I cannot explain it, I responded with kindness, thanking him for his kind comments.
Okay, so I was being sarcastic, oh well.
I still got a laugh out of it.

But, the reason i shared this was to show how many still look upon those of us who just happen to have a mental illness.

We are negative people that only behave negatively and presumed to be weak.

That is the way society is, "Only the strong survive."
And all the crybabies can just shut up.
"No one needs to hear or see that."

Out of sight, out of mind right?

Society would rather ignore and forget about the mentally ill, hoping we would just shut up and go away.

Guess what? We are here, we are not going anywhere!

We have the right to live our lives, just like anyone else has.

We are allowed to choose how to live our lives as we see fit.

You can think of us and say that we are a lost cause.

We are not!!!
Not a single one!!!

We are just like anyone, we just want to live and let live.

We just want to choose and decide for ourselves without someone saying otherwise.

A mental illness, lets say, Borderline Personality Disorder, is no more a negative thing as cancer or whatever you want to name.

Not that either one is a good thing and there's no joy when diagnosed with either one.

All who are ill need support.
No matter what the illness or disorder.
No one can go it alone.

I'm seeking the help that I need.
For so many years I did not for fear of ridicule and judgement.
I remained silent for all of my adult life, I'm 45. As I remained silent for most of my teen-age years. My so-called development years. And you wonder why I am the way I am.

That silence nearly killed me on numerous occasions.
It's the living in silence that kills most of those with mental illnesses and the like.

Do not blame the individual.
Do not call him a coward.

You try living with what the mentally ill do.
And we are the presumed weak.

It takes great strength to admit that there's something going on and are in need of help and support.
However that is.

I know society will never change, the stigma surrounding mental illness will always be there. Although it is getting smaller and smaller.

I do dream of that day when there is no more stigma.

This is the hope that I cling to.

I do not expect or need society to back away and/or back down and admit they were fools.
It's just not going to happen.

I accept that.
I will not blame society for all that I go through any more.

But, know this I am not going anywhere.
I will stand right here.
I will be a voice.
I will not be ignored.
I will not go silently.

Judge me, hate me, accuse and blame me all you want.
I pity you.
You do not realize just how arrogant you are.
And through your arrogance you are most ignorant.

I will live the best I can.
Be a support or a help, or just get out of my way and leave me alone.

I will not just survive, I will thrive!

Your assumptions and presumptions are all misconceptions.
I will make it known just what mental illness is.

If I have anything to say about it.
I will let you know.
I will educate and communicate.

I will be a voice for the voiceless.
My words will offer empowerment and encouragement.

I dream that many more will wake up and will end their silence.
No more will be lost to the silence that screams in a mind.

I don't care what the world says, we are the strong ones.
We are the brave and courageous ones.

Now stand! Be counted!

You are not alone!
Not in this, not in anything!
You certainly are not the only ones.
We are many.
And we will live.

We are learning.
We are growing.

One day mental illness will be no more.
We will be the change.
We will be the cure.

"We are not the problem, we are the solution." (unknown)

Keep in mind that "people fear that which they don't understand nor can they control."

We don't need to be understood.
We don't need to be controlled.

Do not call us negative people.
We are positive people.

We are learning how to live.
We are taking back our own lives.
We will live!

"If you don't have anything helpful to say, then don't say anything." (unknown)

"God come closer, as I draw nigh to You."
"Use me as You will, Oh Lord."
"I am Your humble servant."
"Give me the words someone needs to hear."
"I am Yours, send me, I will go."
"In the Holy Name of Jesus the Christ."

All I seek to do with this blog is to uplift and empower.
Not just sharing myself and my thoughts and feeling.
I am of the One who sent me.

In ending:




"Suicide? I don't want to talk about that!"

Something most will say.

One in five teenagers commit suicide.
Suicide among teenagers is the #1 cause of death next to only accidental deaths.


"Life sucks!" "Why am I here?" "I wish they would just leave me the hell alone!" "I'm not important." "I don't matter." "I'm worthless." "I'm stupid." "it all just hurts too much." "I just want the pain to stop." "I just want out of here." "No one cares anyway." "I feel all alone." "What the hell's this so-called life for?" "I just don't see the point in living this life, my life's dead, I might as well be too." "I give up, I don't really care any more."
"I want to die!"

All of the above is some of what someone who is suicidal feels.

Is suicide exclusive to someone who is mentally ill?
Not necessarily.
Is suicide a coward's way out?
When someone attempts to kill them self are they crying out for help?
Not necessarily.
Is suicide preventable?
Is only someone who is depressed or suffers from a depressive mood disorder going to try and kill themselves?
Is there help for someone who is a friend and/or is family of one who is suicidal?
Why would someone want to kill their own self?
There is no clear answer to this question.
Is suicide a sin?
Will I go to Hell if I kill myself?

How can I stop someone from killing their own self?
You cannot. If someone really wants to kill their own self, then they will.
But, that being said, on the other hand, you can.
Love, emphasize, listen, be willing to be there when they want or need help.
Love covers a multitude of things.
All anyone wants is someone to care and will always be willing to listen.


Depression is a serious mood disorder that quite often leads to the feelings and emotions that I started this article off with.
But that does not mean someone with a depressive disorder is always going to be suicidal.
Never make presumptions and/or assumptions.
As always, help, support and treatment are most important if one is going to reach some plane of recovery.
And remember, love is needed foremost if you are going to help or offer support.

There are other mental illnesses that could lead to suicide attempts.

Such as; personality disorders, eg. Borderline Personality Disorder.
Some of the symptoms of BPD are, self destructive behaviour. Cutting, carving, self mutilation, and so on...
Suicidal thoughts, suicidal fantasies, and suicidal tendencies.

I should add, personality disorders are serious mood disorders as well.
That's where the aforementioned behaviours manifest from.
That being serious mood swings, very dark and deep moods, and a traumatic event might lead to and/or cause the certain dark mood(s).

Bi Polar Affective Disorder and all its' wide spectrum of sub-disorders.
Bi Polar comes with manic moods, where one gets little to no sleep. Their brain is seemingly stuck in overdrive.
The individual usually thinks of themselves better than everything and everyone.
Then there's the extreme euphoria.
But all of the above can really wear on someone and quite often leads to very deep, dark anger and/or rage. Individuals have been known to be very violent.

Bi Polar also has the other side, that being a depressive state.
Where one would sleep almost all of the time.
Feelings of self-loathing, self-judgement, and so on accompany.
Feeling little to no energy at all.
So there's anger here too, one might feel anger towards them self for being this way.

All this behaviour could, might and will lead to suicidal behaviours and/or attempts.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is strongly linked to Bi Polar, and can come with the suicidal behaviours. But, is somewhat rare.

Anxiety disorders have been known to lead to suicidal behaviours, as well.
Some of the anxiety disorders are alarmingly similar to BPD and BiPo.

Are there "warning signs" that someone is going to attempt to kill themselves?
Yes and no.

There are behaviours that the individual might exhibit like; going around to everyone and saying to them just how much they love them.
Seemingly always apologizing for all the bad and the wrong they did in their life.
The giving away of important possessions.
Then there's the complete separation from all family and friends.
Now, I'm not saying that if they exhibit these, some, "behaviours" that they are going to attempt suicide.
The "behaviours" are strong warning signs but could be a part of something else, like an undiagnosed mental illness, and/or an extreme depression from events that occur in their life that could be very traumatic for them. Such as constant bullying, harassment, ridicule, and harsh judgements.

If someone really wants to kill themselves, they will.
Even when there is an "intervention".

They will have a plan from the start and if need be, are willing to modify and/or have a back-up plan to use. As screwed up as that sounds.

I do not suggest a constant vigil on the individual. 
That's why they withdraw.
It could also make the suicide attempt more urgent.

Suicide is very real. And deserves the utmost of respect.
If you don't, it will rear its' ugly head and will bite you in the ass, deep.

Depression, personality and/or mood disorders are, even more so, real. All the behaviours that come with most to some of mental illnesses pose a huge threat to all of us who live with mental illness(es).

As I said, do not keep constant vigil, just be willing to be there to listen and to offer a strong shoulder to cry and lean on.

You need to know how to, in turn, offer support and help if asked of.
Never try to help anyone who has not asked for it!
That is presumptuous. All that will only serve to make the individual all the more angry, and maybe turn thoughts of suicide to an implantation of one's "last resort plan".

As with anything in life, love is key.

It is greatly needed if one is going to offer any kind of support.

I should add, you need to be patient, and not show any worry. Shown worry could be a stressor or a trigger to the suicidal individual.

Do not let yourself become frustrated, that is completely counterproductive.
Let the individual come to you if they want help, if you're always offering to help or to be there for them all the time is even more counterproductive. And again, could be stressors and triggers.

Just love them as any family member and/or friend would.

Now, to any suicidal individuals who feel any or all of the feelings I mentioned in the opening paragraph of this article.

May I humbly suggest that you seek the help you sorely need.

Do not be afraid to ask for help, it does NOT show weakness, rather, it shows great strength and courage to admit to and in need of said help.

My name is Scott David Buckley, and I am a suicide survivor.
Many times over.

I live with Borderline Personality Disorder, Bi Polar Affective Disorder (BI Po II), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Generalized & Social Anxiety Disorder.
Which I have done so since my early to mid teenage years, and all of my adult years.
I am 45.

I know what it feels like to feel so empty, helpless and hopeless.
I do understand all the feelings and the emotions that go along with feeling that way.
In some small part I still do feel that way still.

I am not a professional in the mental health field of any kind.
I do not trust many of them.

I am just a man who has gone through a lot, saw and experienced a lot in my so-called life.
I just want to offer options to any suicidal individuals and their family and friends.

I only seek, as always, to empower and encourage the best that I know how.

That goes for the loved ones of and the individual both.