"HOW FEEL YOU"?

"How feel you?" (Yoda)

When I get asked this I always want to turn and yell, "I feel like crap!"

I wonder if people really do care how I felt.

If they did, how come I've never heard it while I was in seclusion at home?

I once read somewhere that these kind of people are called "fair weather friends".
Only will talk to you when you are in a good mood seemingly.
What is a good mood anyway?

I feel like often that some people avoid me because they don't know how to talk to me.
They don't go out of their way to avoid me, but it's just how I feel.
And if we do talk they seem surprised how lucid I speak.
Like I'm going to talk "all crazy" and all that. Sheesh!

Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
My reality gets a little warped sometimes.
That's to be expected considering I do have tendencies with Schizophrenia.

So I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.
Trying not to be judgemental.
Which is hard for me.

I do get a little delusional sometimes.
Believing my reality at the time is the right one, and no one can tell me I'm behaving irrationally.
I really don't like being told that I'm wrong.

Remembering that I was told no one has the right to tell me anything if not in my best interest.
When delusional it's kind of hard for me to tell whether it's in my best interest or not, since I don't trust myself.
Because someone once told me feelings always lie and emotions tend to betray one.

My feelings do tend to lie to me and I tend to believe them.
Getting me into all kinds of trouble.

Mostly it's me getting in the way of myself.
And I don't always know what I'm doing.
As self-aware as I am, or think I am, it still doesn't help at all.

And so, I always feel confused and frustrated with it all.
Letting everything and everyone get to me.
Making my delusions and paranoia worse at times.

Thank God my delusions and paranoia don't happen too often.
I'd have to be locked away in a padded room.
Which is a nightmare of mine.
Not the worse one, but pretty damn close.

And yeah, things do get to me, big time.
I know it, I can see it coming.
I know how I'm feeling and what my emotions are doing.
This is where the "me getting in the way" thing comes in.

This all makes me angry.
And I can do a real number on myself.

I can really do harm to myself, figuratively, to my mind.
The literal part is taken out on my body.
But the literal rarely happens, thank God.

Still, just the anger being there is enough to cause almost irreparable damage to my fragile mind.

These are behaviours of BPD.
The self-destructive thoughts and sometimes actions.
Then there's the suicidal thoughts and/or tendencies.

I have wanted to die on many occasions over the entirety of my adult life, on and off.
I'm 45.

I tried to end me once or twice and tried to try and end myself many times, if that makes any sense. Those must be the suicidal tendencies.

You can see here how my feelings lie to me and my emotions betray me everytime.

And why I don't answer with the truth when asked how I'm "feeling" and/or how I'm "doing".
I hate that question even more than how I'm feeling.

Can some one tell me what "how are you doing" means?

I just cannot figure it out.

I always hesitate when asked how I'm doing, because it's such a confusing question to me.
So, obviously, I lie again and say, "I'm doing just fine, thanks for asking."

I wonder what their reaction would be if I answered with, "I'm not feeling well at all, and I am not doing very well either, I wish you would not have asked me that, it upsets me."

Yeah, these questions are sort of stressors for me.
As are quite a few things.

The confusion and frustration really can screw with my mind.
And then there's the statements of how I can choose to be confused and/or frustrated or not.
"Ah, come on already! Seriously?!"

And it's usually is said before knowing just what is going on with me to cause all of this.

My mother has stopped making these comments, after being dumped on by my anger born from my self-loathing at the time.
So, she now asks what's going on first.

I don't always answer, because I'm just too angry and don't want to hurt my mother, like I have done many times in the past.
And she's kind enough to leave me alone.
Then later I always seem to be apologizing for my behaviour.

I've had to apologize for my behaviour way too many times.

Usually when one apologizes for some kind of bad action or behaviour, one makes damn sure not to repeat it.
After all we're realizing a mistake on our part and are supposed to learn from said bad behaviour.

I always used to say to my dad to quit apologizing to me because I didn't believe him, since he kept apologizing for the same thing over and over.
I used to call him a liar all the time.

Now look at who's doing the very same damn thing.
Me.
Talk about irony.

My similar behaviours of my father's really feeds my anger towards myself, and
then feeds my incredibly strong self-loathing.

All behaviours of *BPD and **BiPolar, and ***ADHD just adds to it.
My anxiety disorders don't help either.
Like they ever could or would.
More irony.

So, I would suggest to anyone be careful when asking me how I feel or am doing.
I just might tell you the truth.

Yoda says to a young Anakin Skywalker, "How feel you?"
Anakin answers kind of frustrated, "What does that have to do with anything?"

Anakin told the truth of his feelings.
Just once I'd like to and see what happens.

I guess the reason that I wrote this is just to pass on the message of being mindful of your feelings and/or emotions.

Your feelings do lie everytime.
And I'd watch your emotions, I don't trust mine.

Then again that's why I have been diagnosed with serious mood disorders.

To deal with your moods, feelings and emotions I would humbly suggest talking with someone you trust, or write them down in a journal/diary, whatever.
Then you can go back later and take a look at what your behaviours were like in the then.

And to quote Yoda again, "Always looking at the future, never the now."

Being mindful of your thoughts and feelings can be more than a little helpful in you gaining control of them and finding some sort of recovery or another.

Being mindful of your thoughts, whether they're wandering or not, simply just means you're aware of what your thoughts are doing.
Once you master that you can learn to be mindful of your feelings and gain control of them and your emotions.

And that will lead you to be able to function as you want.

But, I must say that mindfulness does not come easily, I'm still having a huge problem mastering mindfulness.

I find it a little creepy.

I'm a Christian and mindfulness and cognitive behaviour therapy seem just too much like spirituality and worldly, as well as some pagan practices that I know of.

But don't take my inability to harness mindfulness as typical.
My experiences are A-typical, just how it's going for me.
Everyone is different and everyone's experiences will be and are different.

So, "How feel you"?

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

P.S.-Just to mention, the conversations between Yoda and Anakin are quoted from Star Wars: Episode 1...

Footnote: *BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder, **BIPolar is BiPolar Affective Disorder, and ***ADHD is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

SUICIDE-NO ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT (THAT SILENCE IS THE TRUE KILLER)

"Suicide? I don't want to talk about that!"

Something most will say.

One in five teenagers commit suicide.

Suicide among teenagers is the #1 cause of death next to only accidental deaths.

WHY?!!!!

"Life sucks!" "Why am I here?" "I wish they would just leave me the hell alone!" "I'm not important." "I don't matter." "I'm worthless." "I'm stupid." "it all just hurts too much." "I just want the pain to stop." "I just want out of here." "No one cares anyway." "I feel all alone." "What the hell's this so-called life for?" "I just don't see the point in living this life, my life's dead, I might as well be too." "I give up, I don't really care any more."

"I want to die!"

All of the above is some of what someone who is suicidal feels.

Is suicide exclusive to someone who is mentally ill?

Not necessarily.

Is suicide a coward's way out?

NO!!! 

When someone attempts to kill them self are they crying out for help?

Not necessarily.

Is suicide preventable?

YES!!!

Is only someone who is depressed or suffers from a depressive mood disorder going to try and kill themselves?

No.

Is there help for someone who is a friend and/or is family of one who is suicidal?

YES!!!

Why would someone want to kill their own self?

There is no clear answer to this question.

Is suicide a sin?

NO!!!

Will I go to Hell if I kill myself?

NO!!!

How can I stop someone from killing their own self?

You cannot. If someone really wants to kill their own self, then they will.

But, that being said, on the other hand, you can.

Love, emphasize, listen, be willing to be there when they want or need help.

Love covers a multitude of things.

All anyone wants is someone to care and will always be willing to listen.

WILLING, LOVING SUPPORT IS KEY TO EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE ANSWERED!!!

Depression is a serious mood disorder that quite often leads to the feelings and emotions that I started this article off with.

But that does not mean someone with a depressive disorder is always going to be suicidal.

Never make presumptions and/or assumptions.

As always, help, support and treatment are most important if one is going to reach some plane of recovery.

And remember, love is needed foremost if you are going to help or offer support.

There are other mental illnesses that could lead to suicide attempts.

Such as; personality disorders, eg. Borderline Personality Disorder.

Some of the symptoms of BPD are, self destructive behaviour. Cutting, carving, self mutilation, and so on...

Suicidal thoughts, suicidal fantasies, and suicidal tendencies.

I should add, personality disorders are serious mood disorders as well.

That's where the aforementioned behaviours manifest from.

That being serious mood swings, very dark and deep moods, and a traumatic event might lead to and/or cause the certain dark mood(s).

Bi Polar Affective Disorder and all its' wide spectrum of sub-disorders.

Bi Polar comes with manic moods, where one gets little to no sleep. Their brain is seemingly stuck in overdrive.

The individual usually thinks of themselves better than everything and everyone.

Then there's the extreme euphoria.

But all of the above can really wear on someone and quite often leads to very deep, dark anger and/or rage. Individuals have been known to be very violent.

Bi Polar also has the other side, that being a depressive state.

Where one would sleep almost all of the time.

Feelings of self-loathing, self-judgement, and so on accompany.

Feeling little to no energy at all.

So there's anger here too, one might feel anger towards them self for being this way.

All this behaviour could, might and will lead to suicidal behaviours and/or attempts.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is strongly linked to Bi Polar, and can come with the suicidal behaviours. But, is somewhat rare.

Anxiety disorders have been known to lead to suicidal behaviours, as well.

Some of the anxiety disorders are alarmingly similar to BPD and BiPo.

Are there "warning signs" that someone is going to attempt to kill themselves?

Yes and no.

There are behaviours that the individual might exhibit like; going around to everyone and saying to them just how much they love them.

Seemingly always apologizing for all the bad and the wrong they did in their life.

The giving away of important possessions.

Then there's the complete separation from all family and friends.

Now, I'm not saying that if they exhibit these, some, "behaviours" that they are going to attempt suicide.

The "behaviours" are strong warning signs but could be a part of something else, like an undiagnosed mental illness, and/or an extreme depression from events that occur in their life that could be very traumatic for them. Such as constant bullying, harassment, ridicule, and harsh judgements.

If someone really wants to kill themselves, they will.

Even when there is an "intervention".

They will have a plan from the start and if need be, are willing to modify and/or have a back-up plan to use. As screwed up as that sounds.

I do not suggest a constant vigil on the individual. 

That's why they withdraw.

It could also make the suicide attempt more urgent.

Suicide is very real. And deserves the utmost of respect.

If you don't, it will rear its' ugly head and will bite you in the ass, deep.

Depression, personality and/or mood disorders are, even more so, real. All the behaviours that come with most to some of mental illnesses pose a huge threat to all of us who live with mental illness(es).

As I said, do not keep constant vigil, just be willing to be there to listen and to offer a strong shoulder to cry and lean on.

I CANNOT EMPHASIZE ENOUGH, THAT YOU, AND THE FAMILY AND FRIENDS, SEEK HELP AND SUPPORT FOR YOURSELVES!!!

You need to know how to, in turn, offer support and help if asked of.

Never try to help anyone who has not asked for it!

That is presumptuous. All that will only serve to make the individual all the more angry, and maybe turn thoughts of suicide to an implantation of one's "last resort plan".

As with anything in life, love is key.

It is greatly needed if one is going to offer any kind of support.

I should add, you need to be patient, and not show any worry. Shown worry could be a stressor or a trigger to the suicidal individual.

Do not let yourself become frustrated, that is completely counterproductive.

Let the individual come to you if they want help, if you're always offering to help or to be there for them all the time is even more counterproductive. And again, could be stressors and triggers.

Just love them as any family member and/or friend would.

Now, to any suicidal individuals who feel any or all of the feelings I mentioned in the opening paragraph of this article.

Please, I repeat, PLEASE! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! NO!!! NOT IN ANYTHING!!!

YOU ARE LOVED!!! YOU MATTER!!! YOU ARE NEEDED HERE!!! LIFE AND THE WORLD JUST WOULDN'T BE THE SAME WITHOUT YOU!!!!

May I humbly suggest that you seek the help you sorely need.

Do not be afraid to ask for help, it does NOT show weakness, rather, it shows great strength and courage to admit to and in need of said help.

My name is Scott David Buckley, and I am a suicide survivor.

Many times over.

I live with Borderline Personality Disorder, Bi Polar Affective Disorder (BI Po II), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Generalized & Social Anxiety Disorder.

Which I have done so since my early to mid teenage years, and all of my adult years.

I am 45.

I know what it feels like to feel so empty, helpless and hopeless.

I do understand all the feelings and the emotions that go along with feeling that way.

In some small part I still do feel that way still.

I am not a professional in the mental health field of any kind.

I do not trust many of them.

I am just a man who has gone through a lot, saw and experienced a lot in my so-called life.

I just want to offer options to any suicidal individuals and their family and friends.

I only seek, as always, to empower and encourage the best that I know how.

AGAIN, IF YOU NEED HELP, PLEASE ASK FOR IT!!!

That goes for the loved ones of and the individual both.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

LINKS TO IMPORTANT RESOURCES:

CRISIS SUPPORT/CANADIAN MENTAL HEALTH ASSOCIATION, ONTARIO DIVISION

CRISIS CENTRES INTERNATIONAL ASSOCIATION FOR SUICIDE PREVENTION

NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE

CRISIS SUPPORT/CANADIAN MENTAL HEALTH ASSOCIATION, ONTARIO DIVISION

SUICIDE HELP & MY STORY-YouTube

CTV NEWS-SUICIDE PREVENTION RESOURCES

WAIT, WHAT WAS THE QUESTION? (MY LIFE WITH ADHD)

   I was going to write something, but I seem to have lost my thought, oh, wait. Nope, sorry, it was right there, then, gone.

   Living with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and/or Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) is a challenge, to say the least.

   The difference between the two is one comes with hyperactivity, physical and/or mental. The other, without.
   But every other way, pretty much the same.
   ADHD and ADD mostly happen in childhood with one learning coping mechanisms by adulthood. But, it also occurs with adults quite commonly. With myself being one.

  I'm not sure I ever developed any coping mechanisms, I cannot honestly say that I know what that means.

   I take a medication for it, Adderall XR, the xr meaning extended release, it's active for about 12 hours.
   Apparently the drug centers on my central nervous system, I have got to find out what that means.
   Adderall is a form of amphetamine, mixed salts amphetamine to be exact.
   Do I like taking it? NO!!! It's classified as a controlled substance and possessing it without a script is illegal and will land you in prison for quite a while. I feel like a junky.

   How does having ADHD affect my life?
   Well, quite extensively, an understatement. It affects my life every bit as my other mental illnesses, but that's another story.

   I have trouble concentrating, I have trouble with paying attention. People really get annoyed with the latter. Apparently most just do not like having to repeat themselves, sometimes more than once.
   What am I supposed to do, get something wrong or do something completely screwed up. It has happened more than once.
   I tend to be afraid of asking people to explain it again and/or explain it in more detail so that I understand exactly. Again people get annoyed with me over this.

   I have missed many days of school back in the day and have missed many days of work due to the fact I was overwhelmingly afraid to go and face the caustic admonishment from my superiors.
   Not that it helped my standing any. Missed days from work hurt me more than getting someone annoyed with me. But I could only see in my mind the hurt and anger I felt when someone would get annoyed with me. So I chose to hide, and not to pay any attention to it.
   As is always the case, ignoring a problem long enough is going to make things start to overfill and fall out all over the place, making a big mess of everything. I use the annology of the garbage can that no one wants to empty, pushing the garbage down time after time. Sooner or later there is just no more room and just falls all over the floor. By then it's almost impossible to get the garbage out of the can because of all the pressure from so much garbage that had been shoved down so many time.
   So too it is with life's problems, this I know all too well.

   Anyway, back to the topic.

   See, this past paragraph is proof of how my mind works. It jumps from subject to subject, even when right in the middle of a conversation. In my mind I need to make sure everyone gets the full picture of what I see in my mind.
   So I tend to ramble on quite often.

   My mind wanders quite extensively, way beyond too much.
   You can tell me something and then something else and I won't remember the second thing because my mind has fixated on the first thing and even though I remember hearing something else I just keep going on with the first thing.

   Quite often I will catch myself and have to go back and get them to repeat what they just told me seconds or a few minutes ago.
   So you can see why people get annoyed with me or mock me for always doing this.

   When I was 7 I was diagnosed by a psychologist at school with a mild learning disability.
   This is back in 1975, ADHD didn't exist back then.
   All my report card, every single one of them, stated that I "daydreamed" and/or didn't pay proper attention.

   So I was put in a special class that existed of 3 grades in small numbers and I had two teachers.
   One I did not like, the other I loved.
   In this class I excelled greatly, above average actually.
   It was discovered that my reading and writing level was way above my grade level. In grade 3 I read at a level someone in grade 9 would read and write. Even though my writing was quite messy, as it is still to this day.

   I think it's because my hands and fingers try to move at the speed my mind is moving. That's just not possible so things get a little illegible at times.

   I was returned to the regular classes for grade 4.

   I had no learning disability, nor did I ever. I just learned in a different way than most.
   Some have called me slow, which is not the case, as I said I learn differently, and it seemingly takes me longer to wrap my brain around something. But once I do I become very adept with whatever I learned.

   ADHD comes with impulsiveness, which gets me in trouble quite often. Mostly financially. This is why ADHD is strongly linked with Bi Polar Disorder. What that means exactly I'm not sure.

   When I write my poems or in these articles I tend to write in epic proportions. It's been said that I do nothing small, I do big or do not.
   I have no problem with this, and only a few have ever had a problem with it.

   I am like this, as far as I can figure out, my mind is moving so fast it taps into a huge source of a wealth of information and I have the need to get everything out.
   Some have said that that's OCD. (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
   I have to question that, I'm very aware of everything and I have to date not been diagnosed with it. But it is possible, I wouldn't be surprised.

   I often have trouble sleeping, even with all the medications I take that are supposed to quiet my mind, the mood stabilizers. But I think they're supposed to still my mind in a different way. I think my ADHD is in a different part of my brain.
   Man, the stuff I come up with to think about.

   Such as stuff that happened decades ago, in my mind it's playing out just as if it was occurring right then.
   I hate this, quite often it causes anxiety attacks or panic attacks, although beit mild ones.
   I often get angry. It is so frustrating and confusing.

   I get brutal headaches from these periods, I clench my jaws very tightly, thusly causing the headaches. Which makes me increasingly more angry.

   From the anger, if it reaches a certain level and has gone on for a certain amount of time, psychotic breaks have been known to occur. Or bad episodes.

   So if you think ADHD and ADD are minor mental illnesses, YOU ARE WRONG my friend!!!

   They are VERY SERIOUS mental illnesses.
   ADHD causes all kinds of mental damage, and is close to being beyond repair.

   This my life with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

   I should add, I have omitted a lot, it would take forever to share and would upset me too  much recounting.
   So I leave it here.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY