Well, it's another night where I can't sleep.
   It's another night with too much swirling around in my mind.
   There's one particular subject that keeps occupying all my thoughts.
   Sin. How does it relate to someone with a mental illness, whichever one or more it may be?
   As a Christian; is mental illness a sin? No! Of course not!
   Can we consider our actions while in the midst of some serious psychosis sinful?
   That's not for you or I to say. Only God can judge that.
   Simply put; a sin is a sin is a sin...
   In regards to mental illness and sin, to single any one action out as a particularly worse sin, well, I have to question the logic in that thinking.
   For instance, putting suicide in the spotlight as a particularly worse sin than, say, murder, stealing, lying, or arrogance is making a judgement call.
   Now, I know what I just wrote could be said as the same. But, I'm just offering an opinion, trying to give some food for thought. Agree or disagree, it makes no difference to me.
   I would point out, very strongly, saying suicide is a sin and having someone who is on the verge or thinking about committing suicide read that kind of statement, could very well be what pushes them over the edge.
   In a court of law someone found to be mentally unfit to understand one's actions is usually found not guilty by reason of insanity or mental defect. Harsh wording, true. But that's how it's worded.
   I'm not trying to say anyone who is mentally ill is immune from taking responsibility for their actions. But, it must be taken into consideration.
   Remembering that mental illnesses are an imbalance of the chemicals in the body and the brain. Those chemicals being your emotions and/or feelings.
   So, yes, some leeway must be given.
   When having a psychotic break or some sort of psychosis the individual is not in control of their facilities, or in other words, not in control of their thoughts, and/or behaviour.
   Their actions could be considered that not of their own.
   It's not fair to measure a mentally ill person to a so-called "healthy" person, although the individuals are essentially the same, but at the same time they are not.
   The mentally ill's brain is not going to function the same as the "healthy" person, therefore aforementioned's reactions and actions in the same kind of situation will be far and wide different.
   Still, I do believe both are and should be held responsible for the actions and behaviours.
   For no one is separate from another.
   In ending, no one sin should ever be singled out from any other.
   For all sins are the very same in God's eyes. And one sinner is just as much as a sinner as the next. No matter which sin(s) that may be.
   I should add, to say; the mentally ill are not more prone to sin than than the one without a mental illness. The mentally ill are not any more vulnerable to sin than one without a mental illness.
   Each both face different challenges in facing the one's own sin for sure.
   Just remember to be pointing out any one sin, whether it be a part of mental illness or not, as such is questionable.
   We should not be singling out the negative, instead we should be working on the positive.
   Stop the ridicule and the judgement, and learn to love. Not just learning to love, but learning just what love truly is.
   There are more than plenty examples in God's Word of just what love is and what it means to love as a child of God.
   I know, I know, I was supposed to have ended, but more thoughts came into my mind, as always.
   We should be spending less time about what is sin on the outside and more time on working on the sin within one's own self.
   Being critical is always counter productive. We should be uplifting one another and encouraging one another than making someone's already unbearable burden that much more unbearable.
   "How we show love towards others is how we show our love for God." (Scott David Buckley)




   As someone with Borderline Personality Disorder it's very hard for me to control my emotions. BPD is a serious mood disorder.
   I tend, more times than not, to take things way to seriously or worse personally.
   Which makes the situation, whatever it may be about, worse.
   I am considered as a "hot reactor". Due to the fact I overreact to the point of blowing up. Leaving no survivors.
   I never mean to, but, I just do.
   Then comes the self-destructive behaviours. Mostly that is just thoughts, very vivid thoughts. Sometimes those thoughts bring along suicidal tendencies.
   I have frightened myself deeply more times than I care to admit to. I have physically harmed myself. The scars have mostly all faded. But, I still see them all quite clearly. Which brings deep anger and self-loathing.
   I have also physically harmed others, not in a long time though.
   My younger brother was sent to the Er with a small gash in is head because I had hit him with something that had a metal nut on the end of it. He received six stitches with that.
   I also got into a fist fight with my father because I felt he had verbally hurt my mother. I don't remember much about the confrontation, due to me flying into a blind rage for a few minutes. I do remember him slapping me on the chin. Then I punched him several times, opening a wound above his left eye.
   Seeing the blood pouring down my father's face snapped me out of the rage I was in.
   He, of course, went to the ER and returned with a very black eye and eight stitches closing the wound just over his right eyebrow.
   I felt remorse for what I did, but was not ashamed at the same time. Because in my mind I was righteous to harm my father, since he had verbally harmed my mother.
   Was I right? Was I wrong? In both cases, I cannot answer that.
   I assume responsibility for my actions, irregardless of the situation. But, one must also remember I was not myself, my illness prevented my mind from reacting as one should.
   Not that I'm trying to make any excuses for myself, but I offer my words as a loose explanation.
   I think my siblings remembering my past behavior, and now knowing that I have mental illnesses, are most afraid or extremely careful with me. Creating a negative environment for me in my mind. Right or wrong, I feel I have to protect myself. So, I have estranged myself from the rest of my family, with the exception of my mother, whom I live with. Since I'm not working.
   To be honest, I have trouble with there being any such thing as a "family".
   Which causes me more anger, firstly with them, secondly with myself.
   So the negative environment I was trying to escape is where I now live.
   I blame only myself. With all anger directed within myself. Causing seemingly un repairable damage.
   This is the behavior of someone who has BPD. My case, of course, is A-typical. Every person same wise behaves differently, only with similarities.
   As I said, BPD is a very serious mood disorder. Is it treatable? I've been told it can be. I have yet to see one way or the other.
   I will end here, because my emotions are acting up with remembering all these past and present situations. With fear and anger at the top of the heap.
   I have told all these most personal memories with the hope it may communicate that BPD and like mood disorders, such as Bi Polar and so on, are very real, not just mental illnesses, physical illnesses.
   As with most mental illnesses, there exists an imbalance of the chemicals in one's body and brain. These chemicals are emotions and feelings which control, so to speak, one's mood. And in turn how one reacts or handles or even behaves with the many situations and experiences in life.



   Throughout history man has had this ravenous hunger for knowledge and wisdom, as we see it.
   We need to know things about everything.
   We study everything, no matter how invasive it may be.
   As long as it's all in the name of study.
   What do we do with what we learn, or what we think we know?
   We believe we are doing it all for the betterment of mankind. But, are we really?

   I have to question man's motives.
   Deep down we just want to be bigger than we actually are, in stature wise.
   We are still building our towers of Babel.
   Man has come to believe we are the same as a god.
   You can see it in all of man's religions.
   We have in turn deceived ourselves.
   God calls our knowledge and wisdom below the knowledge and wisdom of His own.
   Our righteousness is but rags.
   We don't deserve what He has given us.
   The power to think for ourselves. To choose and decide for ourselves.
   We are so far from Eden.

   Is it any wonder the world is in the state it is?
   And we, mere little specks of sand, blame God Almighty.
   Shame on God?! No, shame on man!

   What does man know?
   We just do what we want. Calling ourselves knowledgeable and wise.
   We see ourselves as kings and lords.
   And in some ways, gods.
   It must just break God's heart to see His own children go their own ways, further and further away from Him, our Father.
   God only wants to be in our little, insignificant lives. To have a personal, intimate relationship with us, His children.
   Think about that. The Creator of the Universe, who sent His only begotten Son to die for each and every one of us. The One who holds all of Creation in the mighty palm of His hand. Calls us His children, brothers and sisters, everyone.
   Our pride has gotten in the way, we have turned our backs on a loving God, the God of all love.
   We have grown so much in what we think is wisdom and knowledge that we have grown blind to the fact that we are being lied to, we are lying to ourselves, and accepting it as truth.
   We need to realize just what it means to be saved and covered by grace and an unfailing love, such as God's.
   All His prodigal need to come back home.
   We need to open our eyes and see all that we need to know is that we have all we need already. All our wants are provided for, and all the desires of our hearts have been fulfilled.
   Sadly, man by nature, selfish, continue to do what we want. And that includes those who profess to believe and follow Him.
   We have been and had deceived ourselves.