I tend, more times than not, to take things way to seriously or worse personally.
Which makes the situation, whatever it may be about, worse.
I am considered as a "hot reactor". Due to the fact I overreact to the point of blowing up. Leaving no survivors.
I never mean to, but, I just do.
Then comes the self-destructive behaviours. Mostly that is just thoughts, very vivid thoughts. Sometimes those thoughts bring along suicidal tendencies.
I have frightened myself deeply more times than I care to admit to. I have physically harmed myself. The scars have mostly all faded. But, I still see them all quite clearly. Which brings deep anger and self-loathing.
I have also physically harmed others, not in a long time though.
My younger brother was sent to the Er with a small gash in is head because I had hit him with something that had a metal nut on the end of it. He received six stitches with that.
I also got into a fist fight with my father because I felt he had verbally hurt my mother. I don't remember much about the confrontation, due to me flying into a blind rage for a few minutes. I do remember him slapping me on the chin. Then I punched him several times, opening a wound above his left eye.
Seeing the blood pouring down my father's face snapped me out of the rage I was in.
He, of course, went to the ER and returned with a very black eye and eight stitches closing the wound just over his right eyebrow.
I felt remorse for what I did, but was not ashamed at the same time. Because in my mind I was righteous to harm my father, since he had verbally harmed my mother.
Was I right? Was I wrong? In both cases, I cannot answer that.
I assume responsibility for my actions, irregardless of the situation. But, one must also remember I was not myself, my illness prevented my mind from reacting as one should.
Not that I'm trying to make any excuses for myself, but I offer my words as a loose explanation.
I think my siblings remembering my past behavior, and now knowing that I have mental illnesses, are most afraid or extremely careful with me. Creating a negative environment for me in my mind. Right or wrong, I feel I have to protect myself. So, I have estranged myself from the rest of my family, with the exception of my mother, whom I live with. Since I'm not working.
To be honest, I have trouble with there being any such thing as a "family".
Which causes me more anger, firstly with them, secondly with myself.
So the negative environment I was trying to escape is where I now live.
I blame only myself. With all anger directed within myself. Causing seemingly un repairable damage.
This is the behavior of someone who has BPD. My case, of course, is A-typical. Every person same wise behaves differently, only with similarities.
As I said, BPD is a very serious mood disorder. Is it treatable? I've been told it can be. I have yet to see one way or the other.
I will end here, because my emotions are acting up with remembering all these past and present situations. With fear and anger at the top of the heap.
I have told all these most personal memories with the hope it may communicate that BPD and like mood disorders, such as Bi Polar and so on, are very real, not just mental illnesses, physical illnesses.
As with most mental illnesses, there exists an imbalance of the chemicals in one's body and brain. These chemicals are emotions and feelings which control, so to speak, one's mood. And in turn how one reacts or handles or even behaves with the many situations and experiences in life.
SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY