As someone with Borderline Personality Disorder it's very hard for me to control my emotions. BPD is a serious mood disorder.
   I tend, more times than not, to take things way to seriously or worse personally.
   Which makes the situation, whatever it may be about, worse.
   I am considered as a "hot reactor". Due to the fact I overreact to the point of blowing up. Leaving no survivors.
   I never mean to, but, I just do.
   Then comes the self-destructive behaviours. Mostly that is just thoughts, very vivid thoughts. Sometimes those thoughts bring along suicidal tendencies.
   I have frightened myself deeply more times than I care to admit to. I have physically harmed myself. The scars have mostly all faded. But, I still see them all quite clearly. Which brings deep anger and self-loathing.
   I have also physically harmed others, not in a long time though.
   My younger brother was sent to the Er with a small gash in is head because I had hit him with something that had a metal nut on the end of it. He received six stitches with that.
   I also got into a fist fight with my father because I felt he had verbally hurt my mother. I don't remember much about the confrontation, due to me flying into a blind rage for a few minutes. I do remember him slapping me on the chin. Then I punched him several times, opening a wound above his left eye.
   Seeing the blood pouring down my father's face snapped me out of the rage I was in.
   He, of course, went to the ER and returned with a very black eye and eight stitches closing the wound just over his right eyebrow.
   I felt remorse for what I did, but was not ashamed at the same time. Because in my mind I was righteous to harm my father, since he had verbally harmed my mother.
   Was I right? Was I wrong? In both cases, I cannot answer that.
   I assume responsibility for my actions, irregardless of the situation. But, one must also remember I was not myself, my illness prevented my mind from reacting as one should.
   Not that I'm trying to make any excuses for myself, but I offer my words as a loose explanation.
   I think my siblings remembering my past behavior, and now knowing that I have mental illnesses, are most afraid or extremely careful with me. Creating a negative environment for me in my mind. Right or wrong, I feel I have to protect myself. So, I have estranged myself from the rest of my family, with the exception of my mother, whom I live with. Since I'm not working.
   To be honest, I have trouble with there being any such thing as a "family".
   Which causes me more anger, firstly with them, secondly with myself.
   So the negative environment I was trying to escape is where I now live.
   I blame only myself. With all anger directed within myself. Causing seemingly un repairable damage.
   This is the behavior of someone who has BPD. My case, of course, is A-typical. Every person same wise behaves differently, only with similarities.
   As I said, BPD is a very serious mood disorder. Is it treatable? I've been told it can be. I have yet to see one way or the other.
   I will end here, because my emotions are acting up with remembering all these past and present situations. With fear and anger at the top of the heap.
   I have told all these most personal memories with the hope it may communicate that BPD and like mood disorders, such as Bi Polar and so on, are very real, not just mental illnesses, physical illnesses.
   As with most mental illnesses, there exists an imbalance of the chemicals in one's body and brain. These chemicals are emotions and feelings which control, so to speak, one's mood. And in turn how one reacts or handles or even behaves with the many situations and experiences in life.


  1. Wow..thank you for sharing this, I too have BPD.depression. etc..right now i am so miserable...i hate my life..i go to docs and all thy do is push meds..i have an ignorant uncaring husband..if not for my two kids..i don't know i am just not in a good place..i pray one day i will be but for now i must ask GOD for strength to hold on..GOD BLESS YOU.

    1. Stay strong Karen, you are not alone in this or anything, corny as that sounds.
      As far as the meds go, you may be at the stage where your doc and you are still trying to figure out the right path for treatment, the meds are key in this. I don't like taking 5 different meds either. But I realize that they are not crutches, but are meant to help and quiet the mind somewhat so that the best course for treatment can be found.
      It's too bad your husband isn't more supportive, you sorely need that, I hope my blog and the Mental Health & The Christian can be of support for you.
      If I may, try to understand your husbands situation. BPD is a very serious mood disorder as I talked about in this article and it's very hard, if not close to impossible to understand. As I experience with my siblings.
      I am glad you do have the support of your kids, "out of the mouths of babes" right?
      I too am not in a good place these days, in fact, in a quite dark place. I haven't seen my doc in quite some time due to missed appointments and me owing a him a lot of money.
      And yes, prayer is the strongest medication and treatment anyone can have.
      May I humbly suggest asking God to use you to help those alike, to be voice for the voiceless.
      God has been using me immensely in this, as hard as it is, I know the Holy Spirit, comforts me always.
      I don't know if you write, I would suggest, if I may, keeping both a prayer journal and a "diary". Getting your thoughts, feelings and emotions out is very therapeutic and I promise it will make a huge difference in you.
      In the mean time, keep praying. Stay strong sister.
      Here's my email: sdbskullcrazy@gmail.com, if you ever need someone to listen and/or talk with.
      And feel free to ask of the community for help and/or info.
      If you're interested have another G+ community you might like: the "Alternative Christian Community". Where we seek a personal, intimate relationship with God through Jesus the Christ. It's not about religion in any way, I'm very resolved on this. This is the community slogan: "It's not about religion, it's about a relationship. It's not about money, it's about God's grace. It's not about rules, it's about freedom. It's not about tradition, it's about the truth." (unknown)
      I would love to have you join the community if you so choose.
      God bless & Godspeed (go with God) Karen. Much love from Somewhere & me.
      Somewhere's my Yellow Labrador, pictured in my profile photo and in my thumbnail photo. My guardian angel, seriously, my sweetest, my heart.
      Her love for me is unconditional, even though she's quite wary when I'm being a lot emotional, she still stays close and is there always when my emotions come down.
      With a simple glance, she says: "I love you." And that's all I need.
      Hugs and prayers for you dear sister.
      P.S.-If you're on Facebook, feel free to hit me up for a friend, this is me facebook.com/scottdavidbuckley You will now it's me by my name Scott David Buckley (SomewhereBuckley)
      And if on Twitter, this is me twitter.com/ScottDBuckley

    2. Hi Scott,
      I am so sorry I did not comment on your response..Thank you for the encouragement..life is hectic..I have left my husband and living with my daughter now..my family is small..father died in 2005, 1 sister, and my mother..all who are very unsupportable. THANKSGIVING today, and feel the depression getting to me, trying to distract myself...I for now stay away for they are toxic..and I cannot allow them to control my emotions.So for now focusing on me and so very happy I found you and this community..makes me feel less alone..God bless you..

    3. So sorry to hear about your leaving your husband, that's gotta hurt. I feel for you.
      I lost my father in 2008. And I have to live with my mother because I am on disability.
      I too get depressed on all holidays as I sit in my chair and think of the good times my so-called family are having.
      But then I realize I'm feeling sorry for myself and remember just how toxic my sister's family is.
      Not that it makes me feel better. But a little maybe.

    4. Thank you Scott...It's ok...sorry to hear about your dad...
      I know it's hard..but for sanity sake..I did what I had to..Family can hurt you the worst..sad but you do what u need to do..I choose right now to take care of me..if I don't who will. Stay encouraged brother ...Karen

    5. I totally understand. Your health should be paramount. Stay strong.

  2. I can hear, & understand all that you have to say. I can tell a somewhat similar story. A story that helped promote unhealthy relationships with others in general. My kids always love me, though. They don't scold, nag, scream at, badger, belittle....I'm sure you catch my drift. I am an unemployed mom. Along with BPD, I have Bipolar 1, PTSD, GAD, and schizoaffective disorders. Sometimes I wonder how those (including myself) having even one mental illness, can bring themselves to open their eyes of a morning and live out another day. I do it for/because of my children....usually that's enough, just not always. You gave a good explanation of what we suffer with, though. Thank you.

    1. I do understand. It's good to have such positive support. That is most important in your journey through the fog that is mental illness(es).
      I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Bi Polar Affective Disorder (BP II), Adult Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Generalized & Social Anxiety Disorder. With tendencies with Schizophrenia.
      You stay strong, and thank you for sharing this. Also, you're quite welcome.


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