WAIT, WHAT WAS THE QUESTION? (MY LIFE WITH ADHD)

   I was going to write something, but I seem to have lost my thought, oh, wait. Nope, sorry, it was right there, then, gone.

   Living with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and/or Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) is a challenge, to say the least.

   The difference between the two is one comes with hyperactivity, physical and/or mental. The other, without.
   But every other way, pretty much the same.
   ADHD and ADD mostly happen in childhood with one learning coping mechanisms by adulthood. But, it also occurs with adults quite commonly. With myself being one.

  I'm not sure I ever developed any coping mechanisms, I cannot honestly say that I know what that means.

   I take a medication for it, Adderall XR, the xr meaning extended release, it's active for about 12 hours.
   Apparently the drug centers on my central nervous system, I have got to find out what that means.
   Adderall is a form of amphetamine, mixed salts amphetamine to be exact.
   Do I like taking it? NO!!! It's classified as a controlled substance and possessing it without a script is illegal and will land you in prison for quite a while. I feel like a junky.

   How does having ADHD affect my life?
   Well, quite extensively, an understatement. It affects my life every bit as my other mental illnesses, but that's another story.

   I have trouble concentrating, I have trouble with paying attention. People really get annoyed with the latter. Apparently most just do not like having to repeat themselves, sometimes more than once.
   What am I supposed to do, get something wrong or do something completely screwed up. It has happened more than once.
   I tend to be afraid of asking people to explain it again and/or explain it in more detail so that I understand exactly. Again people get annoyed with me over this.

   I have missed many days of school back in the day and have missed many days of work due to the fact I was overwhelmingly afraid to go and face the caustic admonishment from my superiors.
   Not that it helped my standing any. Missed days from work hurt me more than getting someone annoyed with me. But I could only see in my mind the hurt and anger I felt when someone would get annoyed with me. So I chose to hide, and not to pay any attention to it.
   As is always the case, ignoring a problem long enough is going to make things start to overfill and fall out all over the place, making a big mess of everything. I use the annology of the garbage can that no one wants to empty, pushing the garbage down time after time. Sooner or later there is just no more room and just falls all over the floor. By then it's almost impossible to get the garbage out of the can because of all the pressure from so much garbage that had been shoved down so many time.
   So too it is with life's problems, this I know all too well.

   Anyway, back to the topic.

   See, this past paragraph is proof of how my mind works. It jumps from subject to subject, even when right in the middle of a conversation. In my mind I need to make sure everyone gets the full picture of what I see in my mind.
   So I tend to ramble on quite often.

   My mind wanders quite extensively, way beyond too much.
   You can tell me something and then something else and I won't remember the second thing because my mind has fixated on the first thing and even though I remember hearing something else I just keep going on with the first thing.

   Quite often I will catch myself and have to go back and get them to repeat what they just told me seconds or a few minutes ago.
   So you can see why people get annoyed with me or mock me for always doing this.

   When I was 7 I was diagnosed by a psychologist at school with a mild learning disability.
   This is back in 1975, ADHD didn't exist back then.
   All my report card, every single one of them, stated that I "daydreamed" and/or didn't pay proper attention.

   So I was put in a special class that existed of 3 grades in small numbers and I had two teachers.
   One I did not like, the other I loved.
   In this class I excelled greatly, above average actually.
   It was discovered that my reading and writing level was way above my grade level. In grade 3 I read at a level someone in grade 9 would read and write. Even though my writing was quite messy, as it is still to this day.

   I think it's because my hands and fingers try to move at the speed my mind is moving. That's just not possible so things get a little illegible at times.

   I was returned to the regular classes for grade 4.

   I had no learning disability, nor did I ever. I just learned in a different way than most.
   Some have called me slow, which is not the case, as I said I learn differently, and it seemingly takes me longer to wrap my brain around something. But once I do I become very adept with whatever I learned.

   ADHD comes with impulsiveness, which gets me in trouble quite often. Mostly financially. This is why ADHD is strongly linked with Bi Polar Disorder. What that means exactly I'm not sure.

   When I write my poems or in these articles I tend to write in epic proportions. It's been said that I do nothing small, I do big or do not.
   I have no problem with this, and only a few have ever had a problem with it.

   I am like this, as far as I can figure out, my mind is moving so fast it taps into a huge source of a wealth of information and I have the need to get everything out.
   Some have said that that's OCD. (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
   I have to question that, I'm very aware of everything and I have to date not been diagnosed with it. But it is possible, I wouldn't be surprised.

   I often have trouble sleeping, even with all the medications I take that are supposed to quiet my mind, the mood stabilizers. But I think they're supposed to still my mind in a different way. I think my ADHD is in a different part of my brain.
   Man, the stuff I come up with to think about.

   Such as stuff that happened decades ago, in my mind it's playing out just as if it was occurring right then.
   I hate this, quite often it causes anxiety attacks or panic attacks, although beit mild ones.
   I often get angry. It is so frustrating and confusing.

   I get brutal headaches from these periods, I clench my jaws very tightly, thusly causing the headaches. Which makes me increasingly more angry.

   From the anger, if it reaches a certain level and has gone on for a certain amount of time, psychotic breaks have been known to occur. Or bad episodes.

   So if you think ADHD and ADD are minor mental illnesses, YOU ARE WRONG my friend!!!

   They are VERY SERIOUS mental illnesses.
   ADHD causes all kinds of mental damage, and is close to being beyond repair.

   This my life with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

   I should add, I have omitted a lot, it would take forever to share and would upset me too  much recounting.
   So I leave it here.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY