"HOW FEEL YOU"?

"How feel you?" (Yoda)

When I get asked this I always want to turn and yell, "I feel like crap!"

I wonder if people really do care how I felt.

If they did, how come I've never heard it while I was in seclusion at home?

I once read somewhere that these kind of people are called "fair weather friends".
Only will talk to you when you are in a good mood seemingly.
What is a good mood anyway?

I feel like often that some people avoid me because they don't know how to talk to me.
They don't go out of their way to avoid me, but it's just how I feel.
And if we do talk they seem surprised how lucid I speak.
Like I'm going to talk "all crazy" and all that. Sheesh!

Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
My reality gets a little warped sometimes.
That's to be expected considering I do have tendencies with Schizophrenia.

So I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.
Trying not to be judgemental.
Which is hard for me.

I do get a little delusional sometimes.
Believing my reality at the time is the right one, and no one can tell me I'm behaving irrationally.
I really don't like being told that I'm wrong.

Remembering that I was told no one has the right to tell me anything if not in my best interest.
When delusional it's kind of hard for me to tell whether it's in my best interest or not, since I don't trust myself.
Because someone once told me feelings always lie and emotions tend to betray one.

My feelings do tend to lie to me and I tend to believe them.
Getting me into all kinds of trouble.

Mostly it's me getting in the way of myself.
And I don't always know what I'm doing.
As self-aware as I am, or think I am, it still doesn't help at all.

And so, I always feel confused and frustrated with it all.
Letting everything and everyone get to me.
Making my delusions and paranoia worse at times.

Thank God my delusions and paranoia don't happen too often.
I'd have to be locked away in a padded room.
Which is a nightmare of mine.
Not the worse one, but pretty damn close.

And yeah, things do get to me, big time.
I know it, I can see it coming.
I know how I'm feeling and what my emotions are doing.
This is where the "me getting in the way" thing comes in.

This all makes me angry.
And I can do a real number on myself.

I can really do harm to myself, figuratively, to my mind.
The literal part is taken out on my body.
But the literal rarely happens, thank God.

Still, just the anger being there is enough to cause almost irreparable damage to my fragile mind.

These are behaviours of BPD.
The self-destructive thoughts and sometimes actions.
Then there's the suicidal thoughts and/or tendencies.

I have wanted to die on many occasions over the entirety of my adult life, on and off.
I'm 45.

I tried to end me once or twice and tried to try and end myself many times, if that makes any sense. Those must be the suicidal tendencies.

You can see here how my feelings lie to me and my emotions betray me everytime.

And why I don't answer with the truth when asked how I'm "feeling" and/or how I'm "doing".
I hate that question even more than how I'm feeling.

Can some one tell me what "how are you doing" means?

I just cannot figure it out.

I always hesitate when asked how I'm doing, because it's such a confusing question to me.
So, obviously, I lie again and say, "I'm doing just fine, thanks for asking."

I wonder what their reaction would be if I answered with, "I'm not feeling well at all, and I am not doing very well either, I wish you would not have asked me that, it upsets me."

Yeah, these questions are sort of stressors for me.
As are quite a few things.

The confusion and frustration really can screw with my mind.
And then there's the statements of how I can choose to be confused and/or frustrated or not.
"Ah, come on already! Seriously?!"

And it's usually is said before knowing just what is going on with me to cause all of this.

My mother has stopped making these comments, after being dumped on by my anger born from my self-loathing at the time.
So, she now asks what's going on first.

I don't always answer, because I'm just too angry and don't want to hurt my mother, like I have done many times in the past.
And she's kind enough to leave me alone.
Then later I always seem to be apologizing for my behaviour.

I've had to apologize for my behaviour way too many times.

Usually when one apologizes for some kind of bad action or behaviour, one makes damn sure not to repeat it.
After all we're realizing a mistake on our part and are supposed to learn from said bad behaviour.

I always used to say to my dad to quit apologizing to me because I didn't believe him, since he kept apologizing for the same thing over and over.
I used to call him a liar all the time.

Now look at who's doing the very same damn thing.
Me.
Talk about irony.

My similar behaviours of my father's really feeds my anger towards myself, and
then feeds my incredibly strong self-loathing.

All behaviours of *BPD and **BiPolar, and ***ADHD just adds to it.
My anxiety disorders don't help either.
Like they ever could or would.
More irony.

So, I would suggest to anyone be careful when asking me how I feel or am doing.
I just might tell you the truth.

Yoda says to a young Anakin Skywalker, "How feel you?"
Anakin answers kind of frustrated, "What does that have to do with anything?"

Anakin told the truth of his feelings.
Just once I'd like to and see what happens.

I guess the reason that I wrote this is just to pass on the message of being mindful of your feelings and/or emotions.

Your feelings do lie everytime.
And I'd watch your emotions, I don't trust mine.

Then again that's why I have been diagnosed with serious mood disorders.

To deal with your moods, feelings and emotions I would humbly suggest talking with someone you trust, or write them down in a journal/diary, whatever.
Then you can go back later and take a look at what your behaviours were like in the then.

And to quote Yoda again, "Always looking at the future, never the now."

Being mindful of your thoughts and feelings can be more than a little helpful in you gaining control of them and finding some sort of recovery or another.

Being mindful of your thoughts, whether they're wandering or not, simply just means you're aware of what your thoughts are doing.
Once you master that you can learn to be mindful of your feelings and gain control of them and your emotions.

And that will lead you to be able to function as you want.

But, I must say that mindfulness does not come easily, I'm still having a huge problem mastering mindfulness.

I find it a little creepy.

I'm a Christian and mindfulness and cognitive behaviour therapy seem just too much like spirituality and worldly, as well as some pagan practices that I know of.

But don't take my inability to harness mindfulness as typical.
My experiences are A-typical, just how it's going for me.
Everyone is different and everyone's experiences will be and are different.

So, "How feel you"?

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

P.S.-Just to mention, the conversations between Yoda and Anakin are quoted from Star Wars: Episode 1...

Footnote: *BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder, **BIPolar is BiPolar Affective Disorder, and ***ADHD is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.